It is difficult to say what inspired the creation of the National Perspirer, but I will try. We were young and foolish and very much in love. We believed in liberty and solidarity and cream pies, yet we had none of these things. We dreamed of paradise and woke to the inferno.

How did we survive? We made fun of it all. We laughed until we cried, and then we laughed some more, until we got the hiccups and had to take a break.

Today it could be semi-accurate to say that the founders of the National Perspirer have succeeded wildly at everything. We have become world leaders in the exciting arenas of ostrich wrangling, nude volleyball, inedible cuisine, hamster genetics, snide comments, meat sculpting, obscene needlepoint, and behaving like maniacs in public places for no apparent reason.

The National Perspirer is incredibly witty and intelligent, yes, but let's not forget: it is also a guide to life.

Drink deeply from the fount.