Proffered below is the abstract of a paper written in July of 2003 for the obscurely seminal Journal of Spurious Science on the topic of freshwater mussels. Everyone should read it.

ABSTRACT: During many grueling years of field research, some of which was conducted in the actual outdoors, we pursued the slimy trail of the freshwater mussel (Unionidae) across the trammeled wilderness of western Tennessee. We had brief yet surprisingly poignant encounters with 10,113 individuals of twenty-eight species in thirty-two ZIP Codes, and our lives were changed forever by communing with these brave bivalves whose quiet dignity belies their wretched poverty and unsanitary living conditions. But perhaps this abstract is becoming a little too abstract; we apologize. We seem to have developed a crippling inability to relate to H. sapiens. To summarize for the impatient, most of whom have skipped to the results section by now, we found a clear correlation between local environmental factors (i.e., water temperature, pollution levels and irritable cottonmouths) and the presence or absence of mussels.

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There will be a 10-point quiz on Monday. Be prepared.

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